Be Kind To Yourself And Take A Breath

“Put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others.” ~ Every airline attendant on every flight.

You have to breathe. That is something everyone can agree on.

As a caregiver, you have to look after yourself as a top priority. It might feel self-centered, but it’s just logical.

Yet, we don’t think about our breath at all. We don’t worry about it. That confidence you have in your breath is a good thing. That’s why if you feel overwhelmed or on the edge of panic, focusing on your breathing and relaxing (as much as you can) into that will settle you.

Most of the time, you are not actively controlling your breath. That’s really good too. We have enough to think about. We just make sure nothing gets in the way of the breath doing its thing, and we are good.

So when things feel overwhelming, focusing on your breath will stabilize the situation. Your breath never has its feelings hurt. Your breath never worries about the future or dwells on the past.

You might ask, “How do I do that?” It can be hard to focus on breathing. It begins easily enough. You pay attention and are aware of the breath going in, and then going out in any way you like: Feeling your belly expand and contract as you breathe, noticing the air move in and out of your nose, focusing on the sound of the breath.

It’s not hard to feel the breath or hold it or change it, but it can be hard to focus on it. It can slip away, and you are no longer focused on breathing but thinking about what to do next, what just happened, what you need/want/fear. You can be 10 items into a to-do list when you recall that you intended to focus on your breath.

Surprisingly, you have not made a mistake. In fact, noticing you have wandered from your intended focus is really good. Once you do notice your focus has shifted, the task is to return your thoughts again to your breath. You will wander again and return again. This develops the habit of dropping our ideas about reality in favor of the experience of reality. It literally puts ‘breathing room’ between you and your problems.

Avoid Regret, and Forgive

Not forgiving yourself is an almost 100% certain way of seeing your trouble return. Forgiving yourself makes the present clearer because you can see things undistorted by regret. Amazingly, focusing on your breath is also helpful in forgiving yourself. When your mind wanders from focusing on your breath, you have to forgive that “error” so you are able to return to the breath. It’s a tiny forgiveness, yes. However, you repeat it over and over. The trouble with not forgiving yourself is that your focus is placed on yourself. If you are angry at yourself, your focus is on you. It is a terrible way to live, and it makes caregiving impossible.

Practice For Two Minutes

Two minutes is a long time. Try holding your breath that long. Whew! Two minutes compared to the rest of the day is very, very short. If you sit and pay attention to your breathing for two minutes a day every day for six months, you will be given a million dollars.

Ok, that’s not true. But if you do pay attention to your breath and relax into it for two minutes a day, every day for six months, you will notice more. You will be less stressed. You will get along better with yourself, and you will worry less. Focus on your breath, and you focus on the magic of being alive. That in itself is appreciation and self-kindness. Both are an essential practice for caregivers to restore themselves.

This attitude is also useful when working with yourself. You can notice what is getting in the way when you don’t appreciate yourself. I’ve certainly not appreciated myself. Things took a turn for the worse, and everything was out of my control. I blamed myself intensely. This strategy does not work. Sure, you can force yourself to take certain actions this way. However, putting ourselves through an emotional wringer puts us at odds with ourselves. It’s draining and depressing and will isolate you.

By Karen Stobbe

P.S. Here is another article by Karen you may find beneficial: Sharing A Home – Preparing For When Family Moves In (part 1 of 2).