Commentary: More grief

It’s been a long time since we last talked. I know it has.

I’ve had so many people come up to me and mention that I must be incredibly busy, and they miss my columns.

While I have been really busy (hello four children, activities, and jobs), truth be told, I just haven’t had it in me to write recently. My husband says you make time for the things that matter to you. Writing does matter, but I’ve been in a bit of a rut for the last, well, 14 months.

Writing has always been an outlet for me. In many ways, writing allows me to process my own thoughts. There are so many times that as I’ve written something, even a “venting” text to a friend, by the time I have it written out, I’ve processed that emotion and no longer feel the need to write what I was writing. There are many thoughts and parenting lessons and funny anecdotes that never make it to print, or social media.

I can actually remember the last thing I wrote. And it really took it out of me. So much so, that I haven’t really had anything to say in 14 months. That last article that I wrote literally took my breath away, and brought to the surface some deep, intense feelings that were hard to wrestle with.

The last thing I really wrote was my dad’s obituary.

One thing that I never thought about being part of my parenting journey was to help my children grieve at the very same time I was grieving. I mean, how does one do that? And, more importantly, how does one do that well?

It’s been easy to help my children work through some grief, like the finality of losing a beloved dog to old age, or the unexpected loss of a pet corn snake that escapes the cage (that loss though brings about a whole element of praying that the loss is final so that we don’t experience the return of this snake in the middle of the night).

But it’s been hard to help them grieve the loss of their grandfather while I am grieving as well. But, I do have a few pointers that I learned these last 14 months.

1) Recognize what you (and your kids) are grieving. My kids were grieving the loss of their poppa. Sure, I was grieving the loss of my dad, but I was also grieving the loss of future relationships. I was (and in many ways still am) grieving the loss of my kids having their poppa at sporting events and graduations and kindergarten performances. Once I recognized that I wasn’t simply grieving the loss of my dad, I was able to put some things in perspective.

2) One of the best things that I believe has helped my children is allowing them to see that grief isn’t a “once and done” type thing. I saw this great illustration that showed an empty bookcase, except for one book labeled “grief.” Beside that was a second picture that had “12 months later” written at the top. The bookshelf was now full of other books and décor, but the grief book was still there. Help your kids understand that they will probably always grieve that loss, though the grief will look different. And part of helping your kids understand this is by showing them that you are still grieving.

My husband, a sheriff’s deputy in a neighboring county, responded to a call a couple years ago, where the mom and stepdad were worried about their teenage son being depressed. After talking with the teen, my husband told the mom the boy was still mourning the unexpected death of his biological father. “That was eight months ago,” the mom said. “He should be over that by now.”

No, he shouldn’t.

3) As parents, it’s also important that we don’t try to rush our children through grief. Just like something may bring that grief to the surface for us (like the Strawberry Festival Cruise In), there are going to be times that our children have their own grief resurface. Don’t expect them just to “be over it” in a time frame determined by you.

4) Don’t expect your child’s grief to look like yours, or like adult grief. There is any number of ways that grief can play out, from restless nights, to developing a strong attachments, to setting high personal expectations.

5) TALK to your children. That is possibly the most important thing. Even if you are sitting in your own grief, and talking about it is the last thing you want to do, don’t stop the flow of communication with your children. Depending on their age, and what type of loss they experienced, they may have some really difficult questions. Your job is to answer them in an age-appropriate way.

My youngest son was almost four when my dad died. He remembers the idea of Poppa, but still has questions. He will frequently ask me why Poppa had to die. Even at his young age, I will shape the way his mind processes grief. If my answer is “I don’t want to talk about it,” grief becomes something that isn’t talked about. And that isn’t healthy no matter how old our children are.

6) Don’t determine what your children should or shouldn’t grieve. Is your child grieving the loss of a favorite toy? Allow them to grieve. Did your child miss out on a school sports team? That could be a loss they grieve. Are they moving to a new school? They will grieve. Please don’t tell your kids what is and isn’t appropriate to grieve.

I’m still figuring it out, so I thought I’d let you in on what I’ve learned. But as I’ve gotten further into this process of loss and grief, I’ve learned that my kids need me to help them figure it out. It isn’t a fun part of parenting, but it is a part you have to be ready for.

And maybe, now I’ll be able to get back to the funny stuff.