Wife Accused of Having 'One Foot Out the Door' of Marriage After Revealing 'Contingency Plan'

The woman's story -- which she shared to Reddit's AITA forum -- sparked a conversation about "trad wife" roles after her husband and son said her behavior showed a "lack of trust."

A housewife turned to the Internet for advice when her husband of over 30 years became upset after learning about the secret "contingency plans" she made in case they ever divorced.

Sharing her story of Reddit's AITA ("Am I the A--hole") forum, the woman -- who described herself as a "trad wife" -- said her husband accused her of having "one foot out the door" throughout their marriage after discovering that she kept "meticulous" records of her past involvement in his business to support herself in the possibility of a dissolution of their marriage.

The woman seemingly took to Reddit for backup regarding her "escape plan," with the discussion sparking a conversation about the "trad wife" roles.

Read on to learn the full story, and how Redditors responded.

Protection or Pessimism?

AITA for keeping score of everything I've ever done for my husband?

"I'm a woman in my late 50s, married to my husband, early 60s. We've been married for 30 odd years. I have fulfilled the role of a 'traditional' wife for much of our marriage, and I left paid work soon into our marriage. My husband is very successful in his business and we live comfortably. All our children are adults now," OP (a.k.a the "original poster") began in her post. "My husband built his business from the ground up, and I was instrumental to the early success which set it up to be what it is today."

"We were having lunch with our children when my son mentioned that his wife didn't want to be 'trad wife' and do what I did to raise the kids," she continued. "She raised concerns about how vulnerable a position it is and that she doesn't want to solely depend on him for money. He wanted me to talk to her and convince her by telling her how it worked out for me."

"I said I understood where she was coming from, and being a housewife is incredibly risky and vulnerable, especially if he leaves her and she's been out of the labour force for a while. He countered that it had worked for his father and I because I trusted him as my husband to provide for me and why couldn't his wife do the same?" the woman added.

OP said she then revealed she's made "many contingency plans over the years" in case something ever went awry in her marriage.

"I told him I have a meticulous record of all contributions I have ever made to the family business - recently digitised with the help of my daughter - so that if we worst ever happened, I wouldn't be relying on the mercy of a man to feed myself," she wrote. "I told him I have made many contingency plans over the years to minimise the risk of being a housewife and compensate for my lack of pension and benefits I'd have had had I not left the labour force."

According to the woman, this did not go over well with her son or husband, writing that they were both "angered" by it.

"Both said it showed a lack of trust, and my husband especially feels I've had 'one foot out the door' our entire marriage and that my 'little escape plan' included plans to 'shaft him of his business," OP said. "I told him the fact that he refers to it as 'his' business rather than 'ours' is exactly why I kept those records and why I won't be telling my daughter in law to do what she doesn't want to do. AITA?"

Reddit Rallies Behind OP -- And She Hits Back at Critics

OP's post received a lot of engagement from Redditors. She ultimately received an overwhelming amount of support, earning her an official "Not the A--hole" label. However, OP didn't back down from critics.

The woman also shared more context, including some background regarding what prompted her to start keeping records. And her story created a conversation about traditional family roles, and the current "movement."

"The crazy thing about the current tradwife movement is that men who say they want a trad wife often are actually saying they want someone to work full-time and pay fifty-fifty towards all household expenses but then also take on all of the cooking cleaning and childcare," a user wrote.

"it's a lesson i learnt from my grandma. she was a 'trad wife' at a time when many people were," OP replied. "she stood by my grandpa, gave him 5 kids and all she had. he left her for 22 year old with no money, no house and no where to bigin. my mother grew up in insecure housing and one temporary situation after another. no one gets married planning to divorce so she always told my sisters and i to 1: always have an escape fund and 2: never allow your love for your man to blind you from how vulnerable you are if you have no income of your own."

The woman also responded to a user asking if she signed a prenuptial agreements, to which she said she's "not American" and they aren't "a thing" there.

"it's an insurance policy. you don't know the number of women in my family and outside of it i've seen go from living comfortably to barely surviving because everything they had depended on their husband loving them," she added. "i refused to be one of them."

""You don't know the number of women in my family and outside of it i've seen go from living comfortably to barely surviving because everything they had depended on their husband loving them.""

When another Redditor wondered if the business is only under her husband's name, OP replied, "my mother always said - assets joint names, liabilities his name haha! the business is owned by a family trust."

Meanwhile, a commenter accused OP of having "30 years of resentment" toward her husband, and said they don't understand how she would "end up with nothing" if her and her husband divorced.

"What if your husband has hidden assets, hidden money and made arrangements, you know just in case you decided to fleece him? What if he had a contingency plan? Is that cool? Would he be TA?" they asked, to which OP replied, "nobody gets married planning to get divorced. any you should never under estimate the capacity of a man who no longer loves you to be cruel. if i never have a to use it, great. my logs can just be disposed of. if i ever do need them, it's good that i made the effort of gathering evidence over the years rather than having to scramble for 3 decades worth of information in a panic."

"Did you make a list of what all your husband has done for you? Isn't it a big list, too? I think it is a joint decision on the family provider and homemaker roles," another asked, to which the woman said, "the difference is my husband is being compensated for his contributions and they have a defined monetary value, where mine don't. my husband has never been in a situation where he was forced to rely on me to provide financially for him. don't be so obtuse."

Another one of the few people who branded her as an "a--hole" accused OP of having "missing reasons" she "distrusted" her husband.

"there are no missing reasons. i was thinking with my head, not my love for this man," she wrote. "i can love him and still recognise that lots of women loved their husbands and vice versa but that did not spare them from a fate that left them broke and penniless if things went wrong."

As previously mentioned, OP was branded "NTA" -- and she was applauded by many for protecting herself in case her and her husband got a divorce.

""You should never under estimate the capacity of a man who no longer loves you to be cruel.""

"NTA. That's legal savvyness right there. What do men obtain out of getting their wives to entirely throw their financial security into the wind? Barring separation and divorce, what happens to the wife if the husband dies unexpectedly? Does she throw herself in a fire? End up living in the streets because the husband provided and now there is no provider and she has no savings, no plan?" the top comment -- which has over 8,000 upvotes -- read. "And what is this modern obsession for tradwives? in societies where it takes two salaries to care for a family?"

The user added, "Son is A for not respecting his fiancée/wife's wishes. What if SHE wanted him to be a househusband? What gives him the right to demand of her what she won't give? Husband is A for not understanding that protecting yourself from very possible hardships that have very practical ramifications has nothing to do with not trusting him. It has to do with self-preservation."

"NTA. I love that shiny steel spine and razor sharp mind you’ve got. I think every woman should keep meticulous records of her contributions," a supporter commented, to which another user said, "NTA. Seems like you were being realistic, most marriages end in divorce. Your husband's reaction suggests you had good reason to believe he would take as much as he could. But in any case, if its comforting, you'd generally be entitled to 1/2 no matter what."

OP Reacts to Support

OP later shared her reaction to being labeled "not the a--hole," editing her original post.

"good morning! thank you for your engagement. i have read and responded to as many comments as i'm able. thank you for sharing your perspectives and 99% of you being really polite! i'm going away for a spa weekend with the women in my family this weekend so i'm going to use that time to reflect and decide how to proceed," she said. "take care xx."

The woman then added later, "we have arrived at the spa! ended up being me and my daughters (inc by marriage!) so it's going to be a good weekend to chat freely about this.

"thank you for deciding i'm not the a! my daughters read the thread and also feel i'm not in the wrong. i'll continue to periodically engage if i see something but for the most part i'm going to spend quality time with my girls and relax! bye for now xx."

What do you think?

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