I gave my land to my adult kids, and my husband is furious that his kids aren't getting it. What should I do?

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• For Love & Money is a weekly Business Insider column answering relationship and money questions.
• This week, a reader promised their land to their adult children, but now their husband is unhappy.
• Our columnist says it's on the husband to be open about what he wants.
• Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form .

Dear For Love and Money,

I married my now husband almost three years ago. We have been together but in separate houses for many years. I always said I would give my land to my adult children when we married, and I moved in with him.

My son lives in my old house, which sits on two acres. He is making all the payments, but everything is still in my name. The other half of the land is vacant. I deeded it over to my daughter (with my name still on the deed) so she could build a house.

My husband is furious. He is upset that I am giving our marital assets to my adult children, and he says that is not fair to him or his three adult children. I asked him what he wanted me to do, and he told me to figure it out myself and that we would talk about it when I found a solution.

Any solutions I have offered are not the right ones. What's the solution? What is he looking for?

Sincerely,

Confused and in Need of Help

Dear Confused,

You asked me two questions: "What's the solution?" And, "What is he looking for?" We can find solutions, so I will answer the first question. But we can't read minds. I have a few theories about what your husband is looking for, most of them uncharitable, but my casual speculation won't help you, so I won't attempt to answer the second question. And, if you take any of the advice I give you in this letter, I hope it's this — you shouldn't attempt to answer it either.

Your husband is an adult. He's perfectly capable of communicating his needs and desires, and he can discuss his financial plans with you directly. In fact, it's his job. It is your job to listen and engage when he communicates these things, but it is not your responsibility to play guessing games with his anger.

He said you need to "figure it out yourself," but you already did that when you gave your house to your son and deeded your property to your daughter. If this solution doesn't work for your husband, it's his job to find an alternative, not yours.

My guess is your husband knows precisely why he is angry and what he wants, but he feels entitled or embarrassed saying it out loud, so he is attempting to shift that responsibility onto you. Money matters can be awkward like that. Often, we do feel entitled to someone else's money for one reason or another, but it feels tacky coming out and saying, "My kids and I have a right to your real estate because we're married now, and what's yours is mine."

Maybe your situation is different because he is distributing his personal assets among the family, or you had conversations before marriage where he felt you agreed to do things differently. Still, regardless, if he wants it, he will have to come out and say it.

Here's my solution for you: Ride it out. You made your choice, you felt good about it, and if your husband doesn't like it, he can get over it or deal with it himself. First, he will need to tell you what he's actually looking for. If he won't do that, his frustration is his problem.

Now, this is easy for me to say as a disinterested third party, but I know that it can be excruciating to live with someone whose anger and resentment are always simmering on the back burner. If this is the case for you, I would invite your husband to therapy so he can open up about his true feelings in a safe and non-judgmental space.

If he refuses, I suggest you remove yourself from his anger by asking him to move out for a while or by moving in with one of your adult children while your husband decides if he's willing to tell you what he wants.

Now, suppose your husband is ready to have an honest discussion with you. It will likely still be a complex conversation; you have differing ideas about what a fair division of your personal assets will look like.

You seem to have the more common view adopted by people at your stage in life, which is that the things you spent the first half of your life building should go to those who were with you at the time, and the things that you are building with your current husband are the ones you will share with him and his kids. Your husband seems to have a view more typical of a young marriage: "Everything we had before as individuals is now shared."

Your perspective isn't wrong, but neither is your husband's. What matters is that you work together to find common ground. The only way to find a compromise will be for both of you to be 100% honest in this discussion. Maybe that compromise means putting your shared income into an investment account that will be distributed equitably to all your children upon your deaths.

Another compromise might be giving your adult children a larger share of your personal assets and one another's children smaller bequests. A great way to handle this conversation would be for both of you to sit down with a financial planner to figure out what feels fair with the guidance of a professional.

You can't find this compromise until you have that conversation. And you can't have the conversation until your husband is willing to have it. But for now, the ball is in his court.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money