When you’re in a relationship , you know that ups and downs simply come with the territory. There are moments of bliss, and then there are those times when it feels like nothing will help the two of you get along . There’s a reasonable amount of negativity that most everyone experiences in their relationships, but at times, that negativity can reach a whole other level that isn’t healthy. This is a relationship state that can result from gaslighting .
But how do you know if that's the exact issue? Well, if you can answer "yes" to any of the five questions listed below, you may be in a gaslighting relationship, according to a psychologist.
What Is Gaslighting?
Dr. Emily Bashah , clinical psychologist and author of Addictive Ideologies says that gaslighting is a phenomenon that’s most commonly associated with intimate partner relationships, and takes place when one partner demeans or treats the other as inferior, questioning their mental stability for the primary purpose of usurping power by discrediting the other’s intellect or emotional or mental stability.
“It is a form of psychological destabilization through manipulation in order to gain power and control over the individual,” Dr. Bashah says as she breaks it down.
Gaslighting is detrimental to a relationship since, as Dr. Bashah explains, it “fractures the basis of trust and respect within the relationship” and “fractures the balance of power by shifting the control more toward the dominating individual.”
Perhaps you’re unsure if gaslighting is indeed happening in your relationship. If you’re on the fence, read on and see if you answer “yes” to any of the following questions.
Related: The 10 Earliest Signs of Gaslighting to Look Out For, According to Psychologists
If You Answer 'Yes' to Any of These 5 Questions, You May Be in a Gaslighting Relationship
1. Can You See, Believe and Sense that the Information Is Wrong That Your Partner Is Giving You?
Maybe you sense that the information that your partner is providing doesn’t seem correct. Perhaps it skews in their favor or your gut says that these are actually lies.
A couple follow-up questions that you can ask yourself include, “Do you intuitively know that you’re being fed information that is incorrect for the purpose of intimidating or controlling you? How is this information not aligning with what you intuitively or factually know to be true, or what others are saying to you?” as Dr. Bashah details.
2. Are You Surrendering Your Agency in Your Relationship?
Dr. Bashah explains that agency is the ability to know that the decisions you make determine who you are.
“If you begin to believe that you are a victim, you lose your agency,” she says. “If so, in what ways have you relinquished your agency that negatively influences your relationship? Have you quit speaking up, or are afraid to tell your partner what you need or have an inability to tell them when they are hurting you?”
Dr. Bashah adds that if you see your partner as a “savior” and yourself as a victim, you may be placing yourself in a trap in which you are relinquishing your agency.
Related: 35 Common Gaslighting Phrases in Relationships and How To Respond, According to Therapists
3. Are You Experiencing an Imbalance of Power in Your Relationship Due to the Lies and Manipulation?
You can also ask yourself these questions as shared by Dr. Bashah: “Do you view your self-worth as inferior to your partner as a result of your partner’s treatment toward you? Can you pinpoint when you surrendered your individuality to the relationship and what influenced it?”
4. Do You Believe That You’ve Betrayed Yourself?
Maybe you know deep down in your heart that you’ve stayed in this relationship even though you knew something was amiss, and that can make you feel angry at yourself.
In fact, Dr. Bashah says that you may feel angrier at yourself than you do at your partner “for permitting the emotional manipulation to have persisted.”
“Sometimes, we lie to ourselves and others for self-protection,” Dr. Bashah explains.
5. Do You Find Yourself Defending or Hiding Your Partner’s Abuse to Protect Them?
And do you also defend or hide your partner’s abuse to conceal your own shame ? Dr. Bashah points out these important questions, which is unquestionably an unhealthy way to deal with a potentially toxic relationship .
Related: Do Gaslighters Know What They're Doing? Psychologists Share the Truth
If You’re in a Gaslighting Relationship, What Should You Do?
If you answered “yes” to any or all of these questions, it’s time to really, truly evaluate your relationship with your partner. But where do you go from here?
As Dr. Bashah says, first, regaining agency will be critical. “You may want to reevaluate your relationship with a [licensed] professional and also consider in what ways you have contributed to your loss of self-esteem , agency and self-respect,” she explains. “Rather than blaming someone or something for your losses, consider how to transform yourself to regain your power. Oftentimes, there are multiple factors that keep someone in an unbalanced relationship—this can include financial and emotional security or young children.”
Also, in addition to speaking with a licensed therapist or psychologist , you can turn to trusted friends and family who know you well and can offer an objective perspective.
As Dr. Bashah explains, “Gaslighting becomes hard to evidence because it is intangible, unlike physical abuse. Obtaining perspectives from others can help us potentially see our own blind spots and defenses and provide validation.”
For more help, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233.
Next up, discover examples of gaslighting and how to deal with it .
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