The term "spoiled child" is used frequently, but what does it actually mean?
"'Spoiled,' as in a 'spoiled child,' can be defined as characteristics of excessive self-centered and immature behaviors due to a lack of age-appropriate boundaries being set by parents," says Dr. Denitrea Vaughan, Psy.D., LPC, a Texas-based supervisor with Thriveworks .
Parents generally don't set out to "spoil" a child. Specific parenting strategies that lead to spoiling can come from a well-meaning place, or perhaps the person is raising a child like they were raised (or wish they were brought up). However, this upbringing has pitfalls, including developing common traits they carry into adulthood that can affect them in the workplace and personal relationships. Psychologists share these characteristics and how people can heal.
Related: People Who Were Told They Were 'Too Sensitive' as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
What 'Spoiling a Child' Entails (and Doesn't)
Parenting styles have evolved over the years. These days, "punishments" like timeouts aren't en vogue, but helping a child work through feelings (especially around boundaries they don't like) is. This shift has led to some misconceptions psychologists say need to be clarified about spoiling. There's a significant difference between authoritative and permissive parenting.
"An important part of authoritative parenting is using validation," says Dr. Melissa Klosk, Psy.D. , a psychologist at NewYork-Presbyterian/Columbia University Irving Medical Center. "Validation involves verbally and nonverbally communicating to a child that you are listening to them, you respect them, you are taking their feelings seriously, but it does not mean that you agree with their opinion or viewpoint or that they will get what they want."
This style is not the same as permissive parenting, often the source of "spoiled" children.
"In permissive parenting, being 'spoiled' refers to a child who receives excessive indulgence and lacks sufficient boundaries or discipline from their parents," says Dr. Sanam Hafeez, Psy.D., an NYC-based neuropsychologist and the director of Comprehend the Mind. "This parenting style often involves giving in to the child's every desire without teaching them the necessary skills to handle disappointment or delay gratification."
It can lead to a child developing certain traits that can affect them and others long after their 18th birthday.
Related: 10 Red Flags There's a Narcissist in Your Family, According to Therapists
16 Traits in Adults Who Were 'Spoiled' as Children
1. Entitlement
A biggie.
"[They] feel entitled and like [they] don't have many responsibilities outside of their own happiness," says Reena B. Patel, LEP, BCBA , a positive psychologist. "They expect things to go their way, and others also want things to go their way. Often, they think things happen or should happen their way just because."
2. Dependency on others
Spoiling a child can delay independence.
"They might rely heavily on others for emotional support or practical assistance, needing more independence and self-reliance, typically developed through responsible decision-making and problem-solving," Dr. Hafeez explains.
Related: People Who Were Introverted as Children Usually Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
3. Selfish
It sounds harsh, but it's a common trait of formerly spoiled children.
"They are often focused on what works for them and what is best for them and do not often consider the preferences or feelings of those around them," Patel says.
4. Lack of empathy
This one is often a result of a selfish attitude, among various other long-term pitfalls of spoiling a child discussed below.
"When you don’t know how to communicate and you haven’t been challenged to deal with conflict, you lack the ability to try to understand things from someone else’s perspective," Dr. Vaughan says.
Related: 35 Simple, Sincere Phrases To Express Empathy, According to Therapists
5. Poor communication skills
Spoiled children are often raised to think the sun and moon rise and fall with their needs and wants. It can impact communication.
"If a child was not taught effective communication skills, did not pay attention or consider how they say things might negatively impact others, they [may] grow up to be a rude adult with no care or consideration for how they make others feel," Dr. Vaughan explains.
6. Inability to regulate emotions
Listening to a child cry, whine or complain can be challenging for parents. However, sometimes, it's necessary for the child's benefit.
"Giving into a child every time they cry teaches them that is what to do to get what they want," Dr. Vaughan explains. "However, the rest of the world will not respond to them that way. They will be in for a rude awakening once facing the real world as an adult."
Related: 9 Ways To Begin Your Emotional Regulation Journey as an Adult, According to a Licensed Therapist
7. Impulsive decision-making
People considered spoiled in childhood often didn't learn the value of delayed gratification.
"The lack of structured decision-making experiences can result in making hasty choices without considering long-term consequences," Dr. Hafeez says.
8. Lack of self-discipline
Boundaries serve as structure, and permissive parenting lacks it.
"If structure, rules and limits were not set or enforced enough in childhood, an adult might struggle with this," Dr. Vaughan says. "For example, maintaining a workout regimen, healthy eating, going to bed on time and waking up on time may be hard to manage in adulthood."
9. Intolerance of differences/conflict
This person may have always been correct and gotten their way in childhood. The expectation that adulthood will be the same is high (and highly problematic).
"When one doesn’t learn how to manage conflict and disagreement effectively, it is hard to maintain healthy relationships and social interaction/engagement," Dr. Vaughan shares.
10. Demanding
Children who are spoiled often get what they want when they want it. They look for the same treatment in adulthood because the familiarity is soothing.
"Children of permissive parents have learned that the best way to cope is by getting their needs met quickly and easily," Dr. Klosk says. "This way of being impacts relationships and can lead to being overly demanding and controlling."
However, the real world isn't like that (not even with on-demand movies, ride-sharing services and food delivery).
11. Struggles with authority
The lack of sturdy leadership as a child may lead someone to clash with or ignore authority figures such as a boss as an adult.
"They may need help respecting authority figures or adhering to rules in various aspects of life," Hafeez explains.
12. Ignores the word "no"
Spoiled children are "yessed" all or most of the time, even if the initial response was "no." Without experience hearing the word "no" (and having it mean something), these individuals may not take it seriously as adults.
"They can be set in their ways and can be very upset when something doesn't go their way when they are told they cannot do or have something or that they are not correct," Patel says.
Related: People Who Felt Lonely as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
13. Difficulties sharing
Sharing can be challenging for children. It can also be challenging for adults who were spoiled during that period, which can make working together as part of a team a significant hurdle.
"They're not used to doing things for the greater good of the team," Patel says.
14. Limited resilience
It's not fun to struggle with being benched or having an issue with a teacher, nor is it fun to watch your child go through that. In an attempt to relieve everyone of this discomfort, a person's caregivers may constantly bail them out of these sticky situations. The instant gratification may have been satisfying at the time, but it can pose problems in adulthood.
"Without facing and overcoming challenges during childhood, they may struggle with adversity and find it hard to bounce back from setbacks," Hafeez says.
15. Anxious
It's not just that people who were spoiled never learned how to sit with discomfort.
"Children of permissive parents were often overly accommodated and did not learn how to cope with discomfort," Dr. Klosk says. "This leads to people feeling that they cannot handle hard things. When faced with challenges, they feel increasingly anxious because they were inadvertently taught they can’t cope with hard things."
16. Loving
"Children of permissive parents were often shown a lot of love and nurture and therefore can also be very loving and warm," Klosk says.
Related: Psychologists Are Begging Families to Recognize the Most Common Form of Gaslighting—Plus, Here's Exactly How To Respond
How To Overcome Being Spoiled as a Child
1. Practice self-reflection and learn self-awareness
It's wise to step back before trying to move forward.
"Reflect on how childhood experiences have influenced current behaviors and beliefs," Dr. Hafeez says. "This self-awareness helps identify areas that need improvement and understand the origins of challenges."
Related: The #1 Most Surprising Benefit of 'Shadow Work' and How To Use This Simple Tool
2. Establish clear boundaries and goals
We often think of boundaries as a way to set external limits. However, people who were spoiled as children can benefit from setting boundaries with themselves.
"This practice fosters self-discipline and helps manage expectations in relationships and personal endeavors," Dr. Hafeez says.
3. Practice gratitude
If you were the person who had everything, you may find it challenging to be thankful for something. It can make life unsatisfying and take a toll on relationships with people who start wondering why you're "never happy."
"Take time each day to write down one thing you are grateful for—maybe keep a gratitude journal," Dr. Klosk says. "When you are aware and thankful for what you have, you are less likely to be demanding for more."
Related: 16 Things People With High Emotional Intelligence Often Say, According to Psychologists
4. Talk to a therapist
You didn't develop these traits alone and don't have to fix them on your own.
"Talk to someone, like a therapist, about these traits," Patel says. "Often, talking through how they are feeling and seeing things can help put the bigger picture into perspective."
Next: People Who Felt Constantly Criticized as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
Expert Sources
- Dr. Denitrea Vaughan, Psy.D., LPC, a Texas-based supervisor with Thriveworks
- Dr. Melissa Klosk, Psy.D. , a psychologist at NewYork-Presbyterian/Columbia University Irving Medical Center
- Dr. Sanam Hafeez, Psy.D., an NYC-based neuropsychologist and the director of Comprehend the Mind
- Reena B. Patel, LEP, BCBA , a positive psychologist
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