News to no one: Between work and errands and kids and the daily grind, it’s hard to stay connected to your spouse . And there’s plenty of advice out there for how to deal with this, but what if the key to bonding with your S.O. at the end of the day wasn’t to make dinner together or play a board game, but rather to… sit in silence?
I first came across this idea while scrolling through Instagram one evening when after working all day followed by wrestling to get my two kids fed, bathed and into bed, I was totally tapped out and just wanted to zone out for a couple of minutes before tackling the never-ending pile of laundry on my bed. And that’s when I came across a post by Annabella Daily , an entrepreneur and Nordic mom living in the U.S.
In a video that has been liked nearly 5,000 times, Daily asks: “You know what I disagree with with my American husband? So I’m a Nordic mom in the US and the way I would like to connect at the end of the day is quite different from how he would prefer it.”
She then goes on to explain that evenings can be a little intense at her house with her three boys, which means that she often doesn’t get to connect with her spouse until it’s pretty late.
“But by that time, I don’t really want anyone to ask me how my day was or really chat about anything at all or expect me to ask them a question. It’s not that I don’t care but I want to connect with what’s a very Finnish concept—in active silence.” And um, yeah, I can relate.
There’s even a word for it in the Finnish language (Daily is Finnish)—hiljaisuus. “It means that we can be in the same space together in our own thoughts doing something relaxing or calming.” Think: Both of you sitting down to read a book, or one of you doing a crossword while the other cooks.
Now Daily doesn’t specify how she practices hiljaisuus or exactly what type of activities might qualify, but I suspect that when my husband and I sit side-by-side on the couch scrolling through Instagram, this isn’t quite the “relaxing or calming” vibe she’s talking about. (My feed these days mostly consists of political debates, parenting advice and renovation tips—not exactly soothing.) And so, in an attempt to embrace this Finnish concept (hey, my grandmother was Finnish so I guess you could say it’s in my blood) I decided to spend a few nights practicing this Finnish active silence.
Truth be told, I wasn’t able to fully kick my nightly Instagram scroll habit (but that’s a story for another time). But after wasting spending some time on the ‘Gram, I made a concerted effort to “connect” with my husband in silence. One night, we both read our books next to each other. Another night, we both folded laundry while listening to a podcast. Last night, I researched new light fixtures while my husband did (even more) laundry.
“So hiljaisuus is actually considered very important for your brain to recharge and your nervous system to relax. And you don’t just have to do this with your partner, you can also do this with your friends and your children,” says Daily.
And that makes sense—when I’m exhausted at the end of the day, I crave peace and quiet and nobody asking me to get them more water or where does electricity come from or anything at all. But I’m not entirely sure diving into hiljaisuus is the answer. Because while engaging in active silence was relaxing and it felt nice to do it together, it wasn’t too different from our usual routine. The main difference was that we tried to minimize talking while doing it, which felt a little weird. Especially because, well, we had stuff we wanted to talk about!
So here’s my updated version of hiljaisuus: It can only feel like true connection when a. I’ve had my alone time first and b. We’ve had time to discuss/do other important things on our to do list first. Because I can’t enjoy active silence with my spouse if we haven’t figured out who’s taking my son to swim class tomorrow and whether or not we’ve signed up for back-to-school night yet. So active silence yes—but only when followed by some action.
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