No One Can Give You What You Already Are

You have always been yours

Brazil PhotoPhoto byPhoto by Marcos Paulo Prado on UnsplashonUnsplash

We think, due to our childhood trauma, that by giving, we shall receive.

Most of us have needed love and validation, which were rare commodities during our childhood. The people that took care of us weren’t always healthy of mind themselves. Life’s not easy.

The world being greedy, we understood that whatever we had to offer, someone, somewhere, would want to grab it.

As we gave to people, we activated certain neural pathways in their brains, giving them the “high” from gains. This high, to our astonishment, made them unusually nice with us. That was something new. And so was formed the belief that in giving, we shall finally be accepted and loved.

Regardless of our age, this belief is a key component of our psychic structure. It’s part of what we project onto the world. It’s the reason behind some of the general trends in our behavior as a species.

Most of us give. Some people give to those in need when their fortune teller tells them that a misfortune is on their way. Some people give their time and energy to strangers because of how lonely they feel. Some people give respect, act with decency, and do everything their religions/culture demand from them in order to avoid some unfortunate “karma” they fear. Some people give affection in order to possess the other. Some children give their meal to bullies, in order to avoid being ridiculed at school. And so on.

We all give, in different ways.

But Life is what it is, always moving, always realistic.

Eventually, in spite of how much we gave, or at least how much we think we gave, whatever we thought to have earned through our “giving” is taken away from us. Whether it’s a group of friends that helped us cope with our loneliness. Whether it’s a child that gave meaning to our existence. Whether it’s wealth that finally freed us from Life’s uncertainty.

It. Withers. Away.

In experiencing the loss of the object/person to which we were attached, it becomes natural to feel pain. This pain, like a liquid that turns to ice, becomes anger. The angrier a person is, the more in pain they are. Anger makes us want to fight back. Anger pushes us into action, into trying to understand the meaning of it all. Why us? We have been good, we have always given, respected, loved, worshiped, shared, contributed. Why us?

In this very sentence, we reveal how transactional our “giving” has always been. We didn’t give because our “cup was filled.” We didn’t give because of the “selfless”/saint image we wanted to portray. We “gave” in order to avoid pain. We gave, in order to avoid the fear of having to deal with that pain. And where does that pain come from?

From the void we tried to run away from.

First, we dealt with it by attaching ourselves to an object or a person. Through this attachment we found security. The thought of losing what we are attached to creates fear. And losing the object/person of our attachment creates pain. This pain puts us right back where we started — in the void — where we felt unloved, unvalidated, lonely.

This cruel, cold and dark place, where no one gave us the true love and validation we always craved.

The child that once felt terrified by Life still exists in us. He or she is part of the very root of our consciousness. Living in a cooperative environment, which means we are not separated from what’s outside of us — Life understands what we are most attached to. And the more meaning and fulfillment we derive from external situations/objects — the more we “signal” we are ready to learn a life lesson.

While having our foundations shattered to pieces feel painful, sometimes even pushing some of us into taking it quite personally, the truth is that it’s not aimed at us, nothing is against us.

Life is beautiful, people are beautiful, a flower is so fragile and majestic, wealth gives us a great earthly experience — appreciation is natural, but attachment is not.

Everything is subject to change. The sooner we accept it, the more realistic and aligned with Life we become. To be involved in Life, with the utmost effort and attention, yet to remain detached from It — is the lesson we came to learn as souls. It may seem paradoxical, but that’s due to the duality of words, because on a higher plane — it makes total sense.

As a final note.

If you’ve been praying, meditating and trying different spiritual practices to grow spiritually, without necessarily experiencing long-lasting results even though you understand everything intellectually — I’ve written a book called Spiritual Transition, which has for main purpose to help you overcome the main obstacles to spiritual growth while also providing you with tools and exercises to use on a daily basis for your own spiritual advancement. Check the book here.