7 Subtle Signs of Teen Self-Harm All Parents Should Know

As we watch our children grow, we’ve all had those “Wait, where did my baby go?” moments. Suddenly, your once-bubbly child is now a teenager, and things start to feel a bit more complicated. The eye-rolls become more intense, the answers get shorter, and the bedroom, where your bedtime stories and cuddles were once so welcomed, now has a big, fat “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door. But beneath the layers of teen angst and moodiness, there might be something more serious lurking — something we can’t afford to ignore.

Talking To Your Kids About School Shootings: A Parent's Guide

A recent study in JAMA Network Open has made us all pause: Suicide rates among children aged 8 to 12 are rising, especially among females. Yep, you read that right — the age when their biggest worry should be which snack they want after school is now when young girls are more at risk. And before you think, “Not my kid,” know that suicide isn’t just a teen or adult issue; it’s increasingly affecting our youngest and most vulnerable.

This issue becomes even more pressing when we consider the strong connection between suicide and self-harm behaviors, especially among teenagers. Research in Frontiers in Public Health last year revealed that a staggering 78 percent of teenagers with a history of self-harm are at risk for suicide. The study emphasizes how factors like family dynamics, depression, and overall well-being significantly influence this risk, highlighting the importance of addressing self-harm with our children before it’s too late.

Signs of self-harm in teens

So, what are the real red flags? We’re not just talking about obvious signs or stereotypical images of cutting; it can take on many different forms. While cutting is perhaps the most well-known, some individuals might engage in burning their skin, hitting themselves, or even pulling out their hair compulsively. Others may interfere with the healing of wounds, ingest harmful substances, or engage in risky behaviors like reckless driving, drinking, or unsafe sex.

Some others may turn to extreme physical behaviors — whether it’s overeating or starving themselves or non-physical acts, like isolating oneself or pushing the body through excessive exercise to the point of injury — as a way to cope. These behaviors are often cries for help, ways to manage overwhelming emotions or unhealed trauma. Recognizing these varied forms of self-harm is crucial for understanding the depth of your kid’s struggle and find the support they need.

Some warning signs might be as subtle as a shift in social media habits or an unexpected preference for long sleeves in the middle of summer. Let’s uncover some of the most concealed ones:

1. Change of Style: Yes, teens love their hoodies, but if your child suddenly refuses to wear anything that shows their skin, it might be time to ask why. Self-harm often manifests in hidden places—arms, thighs, stomach—areas that can be easily concealed by clothing. If your child is getting defensive or avoiding pool parties like they’re allergic to water, it might be worth a gentle chat.

2. The “Oops, I Did It Again” Bruises: Kids fall, bump, and bruise all the time. But if you’re noticing a pattern of frequent “accidents” that seem out of the ordinary, it’s time to dig deeper.

3. The Social Butterfly Who’s Suddenly MIA: If your social teen suddenly becomes more introverted, cancels plans, or starts isolating themselves, it’s a sign that something might be off. While some alone time is normal, especially for teenagers, prolonged periods of isolation aren’t.

4. The Secret Keeper: We all have things we’d rather not share, but if your teen starts keeping secrets or becomes overly defensive about their privacy, it could be a sign that they’re hiding something more than just a bad grade.

5. The Mood Swings That Swing Too Far: Teenage mood swings can be as unpredictable as the weather, but if your child’s moods seem more extreme — intense sadness, anger, or anxiety that lasts longer than usual — it might be a red flag.

6. Obsessive Interests: Has your teen started showing an unusual interest in collecting or talking about sharp objects like knives or razors? Or are they suddenly showing unusual behavior patterns, such as compulsively cleaning, organizing, or engaging in repetitive actions? These could be ways of coping with emotional pain. Additionally, pay attention to any expressions of hopelessness, self-loathing, or guilt, whether through their words, actions, or even creative outlets like art.

7. Influence of Friends : If your child’s friends are self-harming, that’s a big red flag. Peer behavior has a powerful influence, especially during adolescence, when fitting in and shared experiences are crucial. In schools, research has demonstrated that self-harm can become more common within groups where multiple individuals are engaging in the same behavior.

Taking Action: What Can You Do?

So, you’ve spotted the signs. Now what? First and foremost, don’t panic. Easier said than done, I know. As a parent, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed or unsure of what steps to take next. The good news is there are ways you can help support your child and address self-harm behaviors before they escalate.

Take the time to educate yourself about self-harm and mental health issues in teens. The more informed you are, the better you’ll be able to recognize warning signs and navigate difficult conversations. Resources like books, podcasts, or workshops can be incredibly helpful in expanding your understanding and giving you confidence.

It all starts with a conversation . You don’t have to deliver a formal speech; in fact, casual, open-ended questions are often the most effective. Create an environment where your child feels safe sharing their thoughts. Instead of “Why are you doing this?” try asking, “Can you help me understand how you’ve been feeling lately?” The key is to listen without judgment and let them know they’re not alone.

When your child does open up, avoid jumping to conclusions or offering quick fixes. Often, the best thing you can do is validate their feelings. Phrases like, “That sounds really tough” or “I can see why you’d feel that way” help them feel heard and understood. This can go a long way in building trust and encouraging future conversations.

Even when your teen pushes you away or acts distant, don’t retreat. Respectfully stay involved as much as you can by maintaining regular check-ins, attending their activities, and showing interest in their world without pushing. It’s not about being intrusive but rather staying connected enough that they know you’re a constant source of support.

You can also cultivate a supportive home environment by keeping potentially harmful objects (like sharp tools, medications, or firearms) out of easy reach while ensuring your child feels emotionally safe, which is crucial. Reinforce that they don’t need to face their struggles alone and that you’re here for them.

Many teens engage in self-harm as a way to cope with overwhelming emotions, so it’s crucial to understand what might be triggering their distress. These triggers can range from academic pressure and social influences to family stress or bullying. You can work together to find healthier coping mechanisms once you help your child identify some of these factors.

Friends play a crucial role during adolescence, and positive social interactions can help buffer against negative emotions. Encourage your teen to nurture relationships with friends who are supportive and uplifting. If they’re struggling with social isolation, help them find environments where they can build new connections, whether it’s through sports, clubs, or volunteer opportunities.

While it’s important to acknowledge your child’s struggles, it’s just as vital to help them see their strengths. Build their confidence by focusing on what they’re good at and encouraging activities that make them feel successful. Celebrate small victories, whether improving in a hobby, trying to talk about their feelings, or simply getting through a tough day.

If there was ever a good time to get support for you and your kid, it is now. Self-harm and suicidal behaviors are complex issues that often require professional intervention. A therapist specializing in working with families can help you and your child explore their emotions in a safe space, providing tools to cope. Don’t wait for things to get worse before seeking help. Contact a school counselor, pediatrician, or mental health professional for recommendations if you’re unsure where to start.

By staying connected, keeping communication lines open, and watching for those subtle signs, you can help your teen navigate this challenging time safely. Even when things feel heavy, remember that there’s always hope — and with the right support, healing is absolutely possible.

Let’s be the generation of parents who don’t shy away from tough topics but face them head-on with love, compassion, and understanding. After all, it’s our job to make sure our kids have the support they need — even when they insist they’re “fine.”

If you ever suspect that your child is in immediate danger, reach out to the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. It’s confidential, it’s expert, and it’s available 24/7.

Welcome to Family Reset, a monthly column and must-go destination for all parents seeking guidance (and grasping for some sanity) in the wild adventure of raising children. Behind this compelling and candid read is New York psychotherapist, writer, editor, and “mommyyy” Zuania Capó, (or just call her Z), a compassionate, multicultural, and integrative therapist passionate about supporting families to thrive and connect. Armed with a touch of wisdom, insightful tips, a witty spirit, tons of honesty, and a sprinkle of humor, she is here to help you navigate the complexities of parenthood while prioritizing your well-being.

Family Reset is not just a source of advice; it’s a vibrant community where parents can find inspiration, share their stories, and realize they are not alone in the exhilarating roller coaster ride of parenting. Have questions? Want answers? Get ready to hit that reset button and connect with Z at zcmentalhealth@zuaniacapo.com .