Earlier this year, my husband got that call every celebrity dreams of.
No – not to be the next James Bond, headline the Super Bowl, or sing with Elmo on Sesame Street.
He was asked to be on Dancing with the Stars .
Naturally, he is super psyched about this. He has had DWTS on his vision board for years and is hoping it might bring him better acting roles. Plus, he started his career performing on cruise liners and has often talked of how he misses dressing in lycra on the daily.
The twist is: I hope he cheats on me with his dance partner. Our friends have teased me that he may run off with his gorgeous co-star. And the tabloids have gleefully rubbed their hands together printing articles about how any spouse of a DWTS contestant should worry about them staying faithful. But they would all be shocked to know the truth.
Because: I’d be delighted if he started an affair. My husband looks to me for most of his social interaction and – while I am often out with gal pals – he haunts our home like Casper the Friendless Ghost. I’d just like someone else to take him off my hands for a bit, so that I could have some precious ‘me time’.
So while I should be praying he gets a dance partner that isn’t his type, I’m actually hoping she has blonde hair and a lisp (he has had a crush on Kelly Ripa since forever). And while most wives would desperately want their husband to be given the sexless, comedy dances, I hope they get him straight into a sensual Rumba. As much skin-to-skin contact as possible. Legs everywhere.
Remy, these thoughts are plaguing me. I didn’t realize I wanted my husband out of my hair so much. Is it time to take stock of my marriage?
Weary of Wifing.
Dear Weary of Wifing,
Your letter reveals a complex mix of emotions. On one hand, you yearn for space and independence. On the other, you might be craving the thrill of jealousy – a feeling that can add spark to a relationship. Esther Perel, a renowned relationship expert, suggests that jealousy can sometimes be an aphrodisiac, making our partners seem more desirable. And it’s much cheaper than oysters, so win win.
Encouraging your husband to find hobbies or sports can help him build a more independent social life. This isn’t just about filling his time but helping him become more self-sufficient and socially fulfilled, which could ultimately make him more interesting to you.
What activities has he enjoyed in the past or shown interest in? Could he take up brewing, join a hiking group, or reconnect with old friends? The goal is to help him find joy and connections outside of your relationship, which can give you both the space you need. This could also improve his mental health and sense of self-worth, making your time together more fulfilling.
And know that yours isn’t an uncommon problem. There has been much made in the last few years around how difficult male friendship is, and how wives and girlfriends are depended on to bridge that gap. But all is not lost: there are social groups springing up for exactly this reason, and your husband should look into them. Making friends as a grown-up might seem more daunting than when he was first doing it in school, but at least there’s not the added embarrassment of the clumsiness and hand-me-down wardrobes that accompanied adolescence .
How might your relationship change if he became more self-sufficient socially? Is this really about wanting him to cheat, or more about finding balance in your marriage and reigniting the spark?
Yours in syncopation,
Remy
The Horror, The Horror… Of My Career
Dear Remy,
Do you think it’s possible to escape one’s niche?
I am a writer of horror movies and – like so many of my characters – I am desperate to escape. But instead of being clammed up in a coffin underground or in a serial killer’s attic, I want to escape the pigeonhole I seem to be in.
I fell into the horror genre but I don’t mind telling you that I’m good at it. Really good. Think of a terrifying way to kill someone. I am sure I can better it, and then add a cherry on top (they’re watching their own demise on multiple screens, or the killer plans to steal their identity, starting with their face. See?). Gore, gruesomeness, and gloom are just my skillset.
The problem is this: I am starting to scare myself. It is troubling to consider what it is inside me that has given birth to so much blood, phlegm, and pus-filled set pieces. I have written characters who are driven by evil and a need to hurt others – and I’ve enjoyed it. What does that say about me?
I have thought about branching out into other genres, but each time I try to write a spec script that’s outside of my wheelhouse, the horror comes creeping in. I attempted to write a river-based adventure centered around a family of singing otters that Pixar would have loved, but the amphibious dynasty drifted into a bayou and got eaten one by one by vengeful crocodiles. Then, my Sondheim-esque musical about a burgeoning love affair during prohibition slowly fell apart as I realized my protagonist was an android faking its humanity. And when I tried to write a gentle, family drama, I got to the closing credits before realizing I had made them all incestuous.
I have spent so long in this specialism that I fear my brain is now wired this way. Remy, is there any hope for me beyond the horrorsphere?
It’s fascinating how our creative minds can get wonderfully tangled in the webs we weave. The good news is that your skills in horror can actually enhance other genres. Have you ever considered that “Sweeney Todd” is essentially a musical about a serial killer? Or that “Scream” blended teen drama with slasher thrills? Even Paul McCartney’s “Frog Song” has a touch of the surreal. What I’m saying is: don’t beat yourself up that you bring a touch of the macabre wherever you go. Horror can be present in other genres.
Instead of fighting your horror instincts, why not channel them into something new? Can you create a rom-com with dark undertones, where the protagonist’s biggest fear is vulnerability rather than vampires? What about a sci-fi epic where the horror elements highlight the unknowns of space rather than alien guts? And, if you are called to writing kids movies, give it another go. Your family of otters may already be half-digested in a crocodile’s gullet, but what about writing a horror movie for kids? Give Tim Burton a call if you have him in your contacts.
Perhaps looking to ‘rewire’ your thinking is the wrong way to go about this. Instead, think of yourself as starting at the beginning with a new genre. Once that hurdle is crossed, you can start looking to horror as a spice that can add flavor to any dish. What kind of story would you tell if you sprinkled just a dash of it? The goal isn’t to escape your niche but to expand it. How can your unique perspective bring fresh twists to other genres?
Yours in creative fusion,
Remy
My Parents Keep Photo-Bombing My Movies
Dear Remy,
It started out as an in-joke.
When I landed my first mainstream role, my parents were so excited that I talked the director into giving them cameos. It felt great at the time – they’ve always been my biggest cheerleaders and getting to include them in my journey felt really special. They were like little kids on set – my mom flirted with the runners and my dad hung out in the kit store all day geeking out on filming equipment. To him, the camera guys were like superheroes.
Then, the next big casting I got, my parents assumed they would be given cameos again. My mum contacted my agent (they bonded years ago over a Marry Me Chicken recipe) to get the filming dates and immediately booked a blowout for the day before. I went along with it because it had been fun having them on set the first time, and my Dad had only broken one lens cap.
But Remy, it’s getting beyond the pale now. They have been on set with me for every one of my movies, and I am worried I’ll be the laughing stock of Hollywood. What if everyone thinks I’m the six-foot toddler who needs the security blanket of his mom and dad for every role? That my mom brings me cookies for a good take? And my dad has a ball and bat to hand if I need distracting in my trailer?
Aside from that, will it limit the roles I can sign up for? Surely people won’t want me for a steamy thriller, or a taut two-hander like Here’s to You Leo Grande if they think I come with my folks as a package deal?
I don’t want to hurt their feelings – they are wholesome, well-meaning people – but I need to find a way to let them down gently and cut the metaphorical umbilical cord.
Remy – how do I dump my parents?
Yours,
Too Old to be Adopted
Dear Too Old to be Adopted,
Ah, the sweet, suffocating embrace of parental love! It’s heartwarming and mildly claustrophobic. But there’s no need to go full Macauley Culkin yet. Instead, it sounds like it’s time for a gentle intervention.
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you love them any less. How about creating special moments to celebrate your career that don’t involve being on set? You could host a private screening party for them when your films premiere, giving them a VIP experience without disrupting your professional life. Or perhaps involve them in behind-the-scenes activities that don’t interfere with the production, like organizing fan events?
Another idea is to give them special roles that acknowledge their support but don’t require them to be physically present on set. Could they be your “official” social media photographers, capturing moments at premieres and events? Or maybe they could help run your personal blog, sharing stories and updates from your career? If they’re familiar with the Dewey Decimal System, perhaps they could even be your archivists, keeping records of whenever your name comes up in print.
What would a heartfelt conversation look like where you express your gratitude but also your need for professional independence? Could you frame it as a step towards your growth as an actor, emphasizing how their support can evolve?
And hey, if you ever need a cookie during a tough shoot, there’s always Postmates.
Yours in untethered apron springs,
Remy
***
Remy Blumenfeld is a veteran TV producer and founder of Vitality Guru, which offers business and career coaching to high performers in media. Send queries to: guru@vitality.guru .
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