“Help, I need somebody...” Another song in my head. “When I was younger, so much younger than today” (song in head), I had no idea how to ask for help. The three of us girls did not go to our parents. Perhaps June and Peg talked. I was the “baby,” and no one talked to me or asked about me. So how do we learn to ask for help?
This is a difficult topic for me. I know it is difficult for many of you. Somehow we feel that if we ask for help, it shows that we are weak. Or, maybe we do not know how to say the words. Yes, it is hard to find the way to approach the subject. And, sometimes, it is difficult to accept the very thing we are needing.
Once I went to a counselor who told me that if I had a friend or relative I talked to then I was doing well. Still there are times that this seems impossible or not enough. How does the addict ask for help when they do not want it? How does a child ask for help when they lack the ability to express or recognize the feelings? How about the elderly who have always been their own advisor and refuse to ask for help. How do we do it?
Years ago I wrote and produced dramas about teen pregnancy, drugs and alcohol, AIDS, on being different like an ugly duckling, and teen suicide. Over 13 years, we put them on for school-aged kids, teachers and even workers at a power plant. Shows that I hope opened doors for help. Did they work? Did anyone carry the lessons we taught into their adult lives?
During those years, I worked with kids at risk. I heard it all — Sexual abuse, physical abuse, drug use, suicidal thoughts, feelings of rejection. So many youngsters in awful situations crying out for help. I heard them, hoping to lead them to their help sources and often wrote a play to help other kids experiencing the same. I was not the “help,” but I had to do something about it.
So what happens if you try to help someone, and they do not accept it? How do you cope with a tragic outcome? How do you not question yourself? Perhaps you helped someone and they failed. You did not.
There is a phrase I learned when writing the show about alcoholism. “You didn’t cause it. You can’t cure it.” Those words have echoed in my head each time there is a needless loss. It is so difficult not to beat yourself up. So hard to not be angry. Yet these words are the truth. And we don’t give up hoping. We do not turn our backs on the problems.
You cannot go through life without asking for help. Whenever I have needed it, I ask a friend, my family, my therapist (a great help and one I recommend). Ask. Don’t go through pain and suffering, fear and doubt. Ask.
And, if you are asked for help, don’t judge. Have compassion and empathy. Don’t try to fix the problem. Simply support the person coming to you and help them help themselves. We are not the answer, but we can help find sources to go to.
How do we learn to ask for help? Just be brave and ask. Be an example for your family and friends. Life is too heavy alone. Sometimes we need someone to “help us get our feet back on the ground.”
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