Walz used a straw for a milkshake. Fox News is absolutely right to attack his masculinity.

As the presidential elections draws near, I’m happy to see my good friend and fellow manly man Jesse Watters of Fox News holding Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Walz ’s feet to the fire on issues real Americans care about.

I’m referring, of course, to milkshake masculinity .

On Wednesday, Watters said on his network : “Women love masculinity, and women do not love Tim Walz, so that should just tell you about how masculine Tim Walz is. The other day you saw him with a vanilla ice cream shake. Had a straw in it . Again, that tells you everything.”

First off, as Watters demonstrated , the properly masculine he-man way to say “vanilla shake” is “vanilla ice cream shake.” That’s how every real, normal man says it, whether at Dairy Queen, the McDonald’s drive-thru or your local ice cream shop. You don’t ask for a “vanilla shake.” That’s weak. You ask for a “vanilla ice cream shake.” It’s firm, there’s no ambiguity about what the vanilla ice cream shake contains and you’re making clear it’s a full-fat, genuine American milkshake and not some delicate hippie oat-milk beverage.

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More important, the sharp-eyed Watters absolutely NAILED Walz by noticing that he was consuming his vanilla ice cream shake with – and if you have male children in the room, make sure they don’t hear this – a straw.

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Straws, as all the bros banging plates around down at the gym will tell you, are the least-masculine way for a man to drink a vanilla ice cream shake.

I mean, what kind of alpha-male needs a dainty plastic tube to imbibe their thick, American ice cream shake? You might as well donate your man card to someone else if that’s how you’re going to consume a frozen dairy dessert, am I right fellow dudes? (Of course I am. No serious dude ever doubts whether he’s right.)

Drinking a milkshake with a straw? Only a squishy lib would do such a thing.

I’m so glad Watters broke this news about Walz and his effete milkshake consumption methods. Because new polling shows Democratic presidential nominee Kamala Harris’ straw-using running mate is somehow viewed more favorably than deeply macho Republican VP pick JD Vance .

I don’t think Vance would be caught dead using a straw. It might briefly occupy his man-mouth and prevent him from sharing important masculine thoughts on women needing to have more babies .

How is Walz polling better than Vance when he uses straws to drink with?

A new USA TODAY/Suffolk University poll found 48% of likely voters view straw-man Walz favorably, while only 36% look favorably on Vance. Walz is also leading Vance – and I can’t believe I have to type this – among women.

Clearly his poll was taken pre-strawgate, before the women of America learned that Walz sips his vanilla ice cream shakes in an anti-masculine manner.

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Walz needs to learn the manly ways to drink a milkshake

Now I imagine some of you are wondering how a virile man is meant to move the vanilla ice cream milk shake from its cup into his tough, red-blooded gullet. There are two acceptably masculine approaches.

The first is to simply open your pie hole, raise the shake high – being mindful to flex your bicep while doing so – and hork the entirety of the milkshake down in one gulp. Brain freeze is only a problem for soy-based liberal men. If the massive sugar rush causes your pancreas to explode, all the better. Real men enjoy exploding organs.

The second and most-masculine option is to throw your vanilla ice cream shake into the air and shoot it with the handgun you carry at all times because you’re brave. As the shake contents rain down, you catch the droplets in your mouth while holstering your gun. Then you continue to explain to a nearby woman why she actually shouldn’t worry about her reproductive rights because Vance and GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump have it handled .

Boy, drinking a vanilla ice cream shake with a straw. Good luck recovering from this fiasco, Tim Walz.

And he has the nerve to call us weird.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Walz used a straw for a milkshake. Fox News is absolutely right to attack his masculinity.