‘Say less, listen more’: Therapist on grief management after Boiling Springs student dies

BOILING SPRINGS, S.C. (WSPA) – Days after 16-year-old Ethan Harrell died following an early Sunday morning UTV crash , the Boiling Springs High School community is coming together to honor his legacy.

On Friday, during Boiling Springs High School’s football game against Mauldin High School , Ethan Harrell’s best friend, Kyle Patterson, will run onto the field from the tunnel around 7:20 p.m. wearing Ethan’s baseball jersey showing his uniform number: “5”.

“Ethan was part of our home, and our household. He was very special to us. He will be missed greatly,” said Carter Patterson, Kyle’s mother and a close family friend of the Harrell family.

Now, the Patterson family will need to teach their son how to live through grief and come out stronger.

7NEWS spoke with Dr. Roger Rhoades, a licensed therapist based in Greenville, on the best ways to support those experiencing grief or sudden loss.

“Say less, listen more. Say less, listen more,” said Dr. Rhoades. “It’s so therapeutic for people just to sit and say, ‘I’m another human being. I’m here for you.'”

He recommends against trying to solve the other person’s problem, passing judgement or trying to explain the situation or problem.

“When people listen, people are able to express their frustrations [and] their overwhelmingness and in that there is a sense of relief,” said Dr. Rhoades.

For Kyle, his parents said he hasn’t experienced loss at this level before and they’re taking the same approach to helping their son, and themselves, manage the sudden death of a loved one as Dr. Rhoades is recommending: remembering Ethan’s memory.

“[We want Kyle to not] forget his friend,” said Troy Patterson, Kyle’s father. “Pay tribute to him. Play hard this weekend. Dedicate this game to Ethan.”

According to Dr. Rhoades talking about past shared experiences is one way to help process grief.

“Everyone has a running narrative of each other in a relationship,” said Dr. Rhoades. “What you want to do is help them and support them to control that internal narrative of that person they’ve lost. ‘How do you want this person’s memory to be presented?’ That’s what the person whose made the loss needs to do.”

Dr. Rhoades believes the most effective way of carrying a person’s legacy forward is by talking about topics such as:

• What were their hopes?
• What were their dreams?
• What could I see them doing?
• Here is my story about this person.
• What were my hopes and dreams for that?
• How do you want this person’s memory to be presented?

“Ethan was 100% Lacey and Jay’s son, but to the people he impacted, he belonged to everyone,” said Troy Patterson. “We’ve been very close to the Harrells and with each other, giving each other support. It’s been obviously very tough, but it’s not anything that anyone should ever try to do alone.”

“I would say we’re giving lots of hugs and having lots of conversations with each other, “said Carter Patterson. “Mornings seem to be the toughest and we made a point to talk every morning and remember and pay tribute and comfort each other.”

During the football game against Mauldin, the Patterson family will be selling T-shirts bearing Ethan’s baseball uniform number on the front and an American flag on the back. The shirts will sell for $20.00 according to the family and 100% of the proceeds will benefit the Harrell family.

The game is slated to begin at 7:30 p.m. and will be hosted at Boiling Springs High School.

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